Ugh, how long has it been… it feels like it’s been ages since I passed out. I feel so tired. Like just opening my eyes will require all the energy I have. I hear voices muddled in a pool of sounds… beeping and the organized breathing of machines as they rhythmically and constantly pump in and out. A familiar voice rings somewhere in my head, but it seems to be coming from outside of it. Someone calling for the doctor it seems? I can hardly tell. Fuck, my legs hurt so much. I can’t even feel my arms, but at least it’s better than feeling pain.
Huh? Another sound… a voice. It’s saying my name, I believe. It’s hard enough as it is to have these thoughts, never mind trying to pay attention to the voice. I’m trying to open my eyes but I’m not able to. I’m trying to tell them that I can’t open my eyes but not even that I manage…
Mr. Seguin, they’re calling. I know that’s my name… I’m coming… I’ll reply as soon as I’m able to, I promise… Oh, fuck… don’t do that… it’s like a flash of white just went straight into my eyes… pupils respond normally? That’s good, at least. Breathing’s ok, heartbeat’s ok… everything sounds to be ok. I just feel extremely tired. Like I could sleep forever. Oh, you understand if I’m feeling tired? It’s normal? Well, that’s actually a relief. Mhm… mhm, yeah… yeah, well, I did pay a shit load of money for this operation, so yeah, I’m glad it was a complete success.
You will be giving me painkillers and let me rest for a few days, keep me here for monitoring, and then I’m free to go in a few days… sounds great. Is it normal that I still can’t speak though? Or that sound is all muffled? Or that my vision is all blurry and I can’t really see, apart from the fact that I close my eyes and open them every now and then? It’s probably just the exhaustion from the operation and the anesthetics and all that, no? Well, you can’t read minds, so I don’t know what I’m expecting to get from thinking about these questions if I can’t even voice them. Yeah, sure, I'll go back to sleep and get some more rest.
I don’t think my eyes had ever closed that fast… I guess I was truly exhausted from all that. Well, this is… odd. I know I’m asleep. I remember closing my eyes and going to sleep… I don’t feel like I can open my eyes… I also don’t hear anything… it just feels like I’m floating in the darkness. This is so confusing… maybe it’s one of those side effects from all the drugs and the painkillers and whatnot, since I remember hardly being able to blink while I was awake. I suppose my mind is ready, but my body will take a bit more time.
It’s still a weird sensation to think while I’m asleep. Maybe it’s the implant… I remember Dr. Ramirez explained in the pre-op that after I upgrade my consciousness to the latest version, it would take some time for my mind to get used to it, so things might be a bit murky and confusing. He said it varies from person to person, some people get used to it pretty fast, while others take a bit more time to get accustomed to the new sensation. He couldn’t provide me with an exact time of when I’d fully grasp the understanding of what was happening, but just said that I should wait.
It’s been a while… I don’t really know how long, but it’s been a bit and I’m still here. I thought that by one point, I’d fully go to sleep, but I’m still floating and not doing much other than just thinking. It’s weird, I don’t feel like I’m thinking, it’s more like I’m having a long conversation with myself, even though I don’t hear my voice coming out of my throat. I hear my voice in my head, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel like it’s up there… rather, it feels like it surrounds me. Like an echo that chases me and speaks to me from every direction, even though it’s not speaking, because I know that this is myself who is saying all of these things. Even though I’m not saying anything.
Finally, a white light gleams in the horizon, slowly transforming itself into the colours and shapes that make up my vision. I am greeted by a neat hospital room. I’m laying on a bed. A few machines to my right, display holograms with a bunch of graphs and numbers that I don’t really understand. There’s a little area in front of the bed for visitors, a little coffee table accompanied with a couch. There’s also a chair to the side of my bed, but I don’t think anyone apart from some of the nurses have used that one since I got here. Don’t think my children would have the time. Don’t think they’d even care to visit me if they did.
It seems that the sounds are also better now… I can hear, although a little bit muffled, but definitely a lot better than it was before. I can clearly listen to the sounds from the machines, the footsteps in the hall outside of my room from all the different people walking… I can even hear the birds chirping outside, it looks like a nice day from the ray of sunlight I glimpse from the corner of my eye… but I can’t move my head.
The pain from my legs has also gone away… no, wait… it’s not the pain that went away. It’s the feeling that went away… I can’t feel my legs. I can’t feel my arms, either… I can’t feel anything. I can’t even tell my head to move to the side…
I hear footsteps, they’re coming to my room. I look at the door and see that Dr. Ramirez is finally here, thank God.
Doctor! Please, I can’t feel my legs. Or my arms. Or anything, for that matter. Please! Why are you not listening to me? Wait… how did I move my head to watch the door as the doctor came in? I didn’t tell my head to move… I didn’t move my head. What’s happening… what is going on? Why am I moving my hands and reaching my thumb to my fingers? I’m not the one doing that… my body’s moving on its own, I swear. Can you not hear me?
Good? How is that good? Help me!! I can’t feel anything. Help! Please. How can you say that everything seems to have turned out alright? What about this is alright? No, no, you cannot let me go home tomorrow. I’m telling you. I’m fucking telling you!! Why don’t you understand me! Can you even listen to me?
Why are you smiling? Why are you so cheerful? Is this a fucking joke? Who’s moving my body? Because I know it’s not me who’s doing all of that!
A… what? A conscious residue? There will be parts of the psyche that won’t be able to adapt to the upgraded mind and those will be left out by the brain? Nothing to worry about?
There’s a lot to worry about! What do you mean they will be removed but they won’t cause any harm? No, no, no I won’t be taking those pills ‘just in case’.
Heptatophein… side effects can include headaches and nausea. Use only under the prescription of a medical professional. Deals with issues such as shattered minds, loss of personality, conscious residues, fragmented consciousness... one pill every night before going to sleep should solve any issues and clean any unreal, manufactured or divided consciousness without any issues.
All this time… all this time… I was only a part of me that will simply be removed in one to two weeks…?
I am nothing more than an idea.